Benevolent Dictators

Parenthood is a peculiar form of dictatorship. We have total and final say over everything our children do until they are adults, but our genuine concern for their health and welfare being our primary concern—above even our own lives!—means the vast, vast majority of us are good dictators.

Benevolent dictators.

But trouble for this benevolent dictatorship arises from the words “until they are adults.” When is that?

Becoming an adult is not tied to a particular birthday (like 18). Rather, becoming an adult is a transition that happens over a period of perhaps ten or twelve years, starting at … oh, I’d say age ten. It is, effectively, the teen years.

I admit to limited knowledge and experience of parenting teens. I was a teen once, but that’s very different than parenting one. Mostly, as my own children traverse this “until they become adults” age, I find myself winging it as I go.

In fairness to myself, however, I give it regular careful thought. Mostly I find myself thinking about these two questions:

- What does it mean for my children?

- What does it mean for me?

For my children, I can’t imagine that becoming an adult is easy. In fact, I believe it to be a hard and painful path. Becoming an adult, like parenthood, does not come with clear instructions, and Mother Nature is quite unforgiving.

They must discover who they are; establish themselves as individuals wholly separate from us; learn the complexities of the world; learn to recognize and avoid its (often very subtle) dangers; become self-sufficient and self-sustaining. They must become our equals.

I might liken this process to being born … conscious. Struggling to break free, struggling to breathe, and adding insult to injury is the prospect of someone yanking on their heads with forceps to hasten them along. Human nature being what it is, it should be no surprise they might view that person with a little more than an ounce of contempt.

So who is it yanking on their heads with forceps? Why, us, of course, the ever present benevolent dictators: do this, don’t do that, behave a certain way. As they stumble through their mistakes, we’re there: that was wrong; I saw that coming; I told you not to do that; you’re going to pay for that one, and etc...

As adults, we know that life is full of shades and colors, and our growing teens learn quickly that it often does not match with our black-and-white benevolent instructions. It makes our dictates harder and harder to accept, especially when our dictates are just that.

For me, I have to determine what it means to be a parent during this age, for certainly it will be different than parenting “children.”

For instance, I should think that I must accept the fact that my children are becoming adults; they are becoming individuals, separate from and increasingly equal to me. This is a good thing, but it brings with it the end—though not abruptly—of my benevolent dictatorship.

I should think, also, that I must increasingly respect them as adults. My own life experience tells me that respect is not de-facto granted, but earned through mutuality. If I want them to respect me, then as the adult I must start the process by respecting them.

These items aside, I mustn’t lose sight of my primary parental objective: their health and welfare. Primary above even my own life!

This presents somewhat of a dilemma: how can I achieve this objective when, as they traverse this age and enter more fully into adulthood and become more independent individuals, I have less and less input, less and less control?

I firmly believe that my continued involvement in their lives is imperative, it is required in order to achieve the goal of their health and welfare. Yet the very nature of becoming adults will make it increasing difficult.

Our relationship must continue, and it will continue, but it must change if I am to succeed. This means, to accommodate the dynamics of this newly developing relationship, I must change, and I must be careful how I behave.

1 – I mustn’t do things that restrict or eliminate open communication.

Guilt, blow-ups, lectures, overly harsh punishments, personal judgments, etc.—these behaviors are all paving stones in the road away from me. Making anyone feel bad about honest mistakes is a sure way to lose influence over them, and the farther away they are, the less likely they’ll hear me when they come upon something really dangerous.

And chances are, if they recognize their mistakes, they’ll feel bad enough. They won’t need me to gloat over them and make them feel worse, they’ll need me to help them learn that mistakes are a normal part of life, to help them see through it. And in doing that, they can heal and feel better. I need to make them feel comfortable coming to me for this help. If I never offer it, but only condemn instead, they’ll never come. Nor will they learn. And this could be very dangerous, indeed.

2 – I must be realistic about what really is harmful.

Some things will hurt you, and some things will kill you! Not everything falls into the latter category. If I make every issue a five alarm fire, then there are no five alarm fires. This can be extremely dangerous.

Hype doesn’t mean something is inherently harmful or dangerous. Other people’s carelessness, also, does not mean something is inherently harmful or dangerous. The fact of the matter is, I have an obligation to evaluate things for myself and draw my own conclusions about them.

I must think for myself.

Guiding that must be a reasonable perspective about what truly is harmful, and I must apply that perspective when governing my reaction to the things my teens do. I’ll consider it a bonus if I’m able to get them to recognize the harm of their actions when no harm is apparent.

3 – I must allow them to become who they are, and accept them unconditionally.

They are not going to become “mini-me’s.” They are not going to become who I want them to become. Such assumptions are completely unfair to them, tantamount to stealing a life.

They are going to become who they are.

My part in this is that I have an ounce of influence to steer their general direction and support them in achieving their own success. For them to become who they are, to cherish them for it, and to be rewarded with their love in return, this is the greatest joy.