Identity Chapters

We live our lives in chapters. Neatly divided chunks of memory that we refer to with a combination of nostalgia and other feelings inspired by the contents of the chapter itself. Some chapters end like a good ol' American feel good movie; others end like the shocking season-ending cliff-hanger of your favorite T.V. series, leaving you unnerved (although confident) at the uncertain fate of your favorite character.

In each of our books, we are the heroes of the story. The main and favorite characters; the reason the book exists; and the reason someone is reading. The readers are our families and our friends. No doubt the contents of some chapters reveal hidden betrayals, or hidden truths, details that define the hero’s depth of character; details that lead some readers to continue reading but others to set aside the book for some time, or forever.

Of course, some readers just prefer other material: mysteries over science fiction; biographies over non-fiction; novels over short stories. They may read a chapter or two, perhaps feigning interest to others, but ultimately just not interested.

Not to forget, too, that we are only part author of our chapters. While we retain controlling interest, we control the primary themes and general direction of the story, each of the characters in our chapters contributes a line here and there, sometimes a paragraph, sometimes a page, and occasionally more. Some characters contribute honest lines that build upon known character traits and extend an expected direction; but still others contribute distortions which deviate and cast doubt over our heroes.

I view my life in nine chapters. Each chapter varies in length, depth of character development, number of new characters, and etc. They are:

1 Churchville
2 Holley (parts one and two)
3 Lock Haven University
4 A Transition (in-between college and graduate school)
5 Indiana University
6 First Year of Marriage (Lansingburgh, RPI, Lowell)
7 BRS Software Products
8 CommSoft
9 MapInfo Corporation
10 ...

This year, I closed a chapter in my book. Abruptly. Revealed in the closing paragraphs was a tragedy of betrayals, a travesty of inflicted lies and misrepresentations. Yielded from a kangaroo court, no less. [Shame on you.] But in fairness, revealed too was some truth and I accept that, openly and honestly, wishing only that I’d learned of it sooner and been given the chance to prove I could change, prove that I could improve.

Oh well.

But something happened to me upon closing this chapter, something I did not expect. Dominating the myriad of feelings that comes with having lost my job was the sense that I had somehow also lost my identity. How naturally we slip into the fold of employer identity: we are what we do and we do for someone. Take the employer away…

It really begs the question: Are we what we do? Or is what we do just a means to an end?

I found myself re-reading my own chapters, a strange voyeur, asking questions like: “Why did I do that?” “Why was I like that?” “Who was I, really?” And later asking: “What do I like?” “What is important to me?” “What do I want?” And finally: “What do I want to be doing?”

I don’t believe anyone can answer these questions with pure clarity, and life has a way of forcing compromises on you. Life experience, too, makes you view things differently over time. While I cannot say that I have all of the answers to the questions above, I believe I have a clear enough sense of a few things. First among them is this: I retain control over my own identity. I am who I am, not what I do or for whom I do it.

This perspective has inspired a sense of respect and admiration in me for every person who is self employed. To me they embody independence, self-sufficiency, individuality, self-realized identity, and above all freedom…to be who they are.

I have started a new chapter in my book. Fresh, unwrit pages before me anxiously awaiting ink. What shall I call it... yes, what will that be...